Skip to content

Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them

March 8, 2010

Well, yesterday was a day of mixed emotions. I’d like to point out firstly that the greatest disappointment of the Milton Keynes Half Marathon was the obvious and unashamed LACK OF BANANAS (see previous post); water, that’s all we got, poxy water! However, I was not disheartened – in fact, I was quite chirpy, this was probably due to the excessive amounts of Lucozade I’d imbibed on my journey there and the inadvisable amounts of glucose sweets I’d consumed. To my detriment, I found that one was simply not enough and I’d had more glucose than was probably sensible.

We arrive and I’m bouncing like a kid who’s had way too many orange sweeties. Can’t wait to start – I’m raring to go. The sky is blue, it’s a beautiful day! Ready to line up! Great! I can’t wait. As we edge nearer to the start line, I realise that the copious amounts of Lucozade consumed some time previously, were ill-advised. I can’t run back, what shall I do? I’ve got a great idea, I’ll just run a whole half marathon, that’s 13.1 miles, on a full bladder; in the history of great ideas, this has got to be the greatest!

Off we go! Mile two and I’m considering trying to run with my legs crossed. Mile three and everyone seems to be darting off hither and thither into bushes, which doesn’t help. Into mile four, I visualise arid deserts and Ryvita sandwiches with cream cracker filling – but wait! Now I’ve made myself think about food, I’ve just realised that I’m absolutely STARVING – into mile five I try to decide whether my desire to run behind a bush is greater than my desire to eat WORLD’S MOST ENORMOUS SANDWICH. Perhaps if I do run behind a bush, I might find WORLD’S MOST ENORMOUS SANDWICH but would I really want to eat it?

Little do I realise that hunger and needing a wee are the least of my worries: “Is that a hill I see ahead?” I say to my lovely pal L. “But ‘they’ told us it was flat all the way round!” She exclaims, “Perhaps this slipped their minds, maybe it’s the only one”. The eternal optimist, as we negotiate hill* after hill I think, this one, will be the very last one, surely. One, two, five, seven hills, and still they keep coming, nevertheless, we soldier on undeterred, surprisingly, in spite of a full bladder, empty stomach and excruciating hills, we’re keeping good time, on target for a two hour five min race, that is until “Ping” – arrrrgghhhhh! Mile eight and my IT Band has put paid to hopes of getting in a decent time for this half: “It’s the hills!” I exclaim in dramatic fashion, hunched over Quasimodo-like, face contorted; I fail to mention it’s my own stupid fault for not doing the stretches I’d been told to do!

We continue on regardless, my friend goes on ahead and I slow down to my famous pit pony trot, I keep hoping every hill I see will be the last and finally, I see it! The finish is near and “they” kindly saved the steepest and most unforgiving hill for the last 500m of the race. I’d like to know who “they” are so I can thank them for (not) warning me. We approach with trepidation; each and every one of us adopts a strange “running in lead boots through treacle” gait as we negotiate a short but incredibly steep incline towards the finish line. I’ve made it – sprinting to the finish looking very much like a person who REALLY NEEDS A WEE, REALLY NEEDS A SANDWICH and REALLY HAS A HURTY HIP!

I really don’t want to see my finish line photo, thanks very much:

Nice medal though, perhaps it was worth all the discomfort! Funnily enough, I feel pretty happy about the whole thing.

So, what did I learn from my second half marathon?
1. Don’t drink three gallons of Lucozade before a race unless you enjoy the sound of sloshing and like the idea of mooning at your fellow runners from behind a bush.
2. Don’t expect bananas, think yourself lucky you’ve been given water! Painting a sausage yellow doesn’t count.
3. Do your exercises when you’re told or risk limping past the finish line like a 173-year-old walnut on crutches!
4. Don’t believe everything the race organisers tell you – if they say “the route’s as flat as a steamrollered wafer”, they really mean “route may contain mine-shafts and ladders”. THE BIG SHAMELESS LIARS!

*I say “hill”, “slope” is probably a more accurate description, but it doesn’t sound so dramatic, let’s face it.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. March 8, 2010 11:01 pm

    But you did it! Yay!
    And I’m with you on the glucose sweeties – once you start, it’s hard to stop. Boing!

    • March 8, 2010 11:06 pm

      “Boing” indeed – I’m like that with coffee, never get me started on coffee, that’s it! I turn into a complete lunatic. I’d not had the sweeties before, and now I find it’s hard to resist them, I have a whole box of the buggers in my kitchen cupboard!
      Glad you got your half done too – great going mrs!

  2. March 8, 2010 11:11 pm

    Another race under your belt! Brilliant!! So so sorry to hear you hurt yourself tho. Will it take you long to get better?

    Your post made me giggle!!

    Is there a wee theme emerging from your races…??? 🙂


    • March 9, 2010 1:10 am

      Hehe, don’t worry, it’s good that this injury/niggle is rearing it’s head now – I know how to try and prevent it and need to do more preparation for the Big One! I have a contraption to help me stretch which is on its way as we speak.

      I am a wee bag – I think I’m obsessed with doing a wee! I just hope to God I don’t have to stop for the London Marathon, queues along the way are 20 mins long! Can you imagine?


  3. March 9, 2010 10:20 am

    Congratulations, both on your half marathon and your hilarious post! I’ve never run further than 5k. Hills (slopes, inclines – whatever) are a real pain. Edinburgh has had to keep altering its marathon course what with being built on 7 hills and all (great for tourist board PR – ‘Athens of the North’ etc – not so great for attracting serious distance runners).

    • March 9, 2010 10:25 am

      Aw shucks, thanks!
      Cripes! I’m glad you forewarned me about the Edinburgh route, it seems that their marathon organisers also have a big bunch of fibbers on their team – “Best marathon for personal bests – downhill for the first six miles and flat the rest of the way!” I read when they tried to convince me t’was a good idea to participate!

      • March 9, 2010 3:38 pm

        Ah, that’ll be the new course which should really be called Not The Edinburgh Marathon or the East Lothian Marathon – it only starts in the city now and I think it’s much flatter than it used to be!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s